The Wisdom of the Common Household Husband

Not a live moose

Last year was a challenging year, but the Common Household Husband helped steer our ship of household on a reasonable path.  Here is some of his wisdom that helped get us through.

January

Younger Daughter helped herself to a chocolate covered almond, even though she doesn’t like almonds.

Me:  You’re not going to waste that almond, are you?

CHH:  Yeah. Almonds don’t go on trees, you know.

February

The CHH made himself a cup of French Vanilla tea.  Then he poured Peach Schnapps into it.  I said, “I am predicting that is not a good taste combination.”  

He tasted it, and said, “Hmmm.  It’s like wearing a plaid shirt with rainbow suspenders.”

March

I was making the roasted egg for the seder plate.  

Me: How long should I roast the egg?  Twenty minutes?

CHH: Yeah, that’s right.  That’s how long it took to cross the Red Sea.  

April

We were discussing brands of grape juice, as a Jewish-Christian household is likely to do.

CHH:  I prefer Bernoulli’s Grape Juice.

Me:  Is that some kind of physics joke?  I don’t get it.  But if you had said you prefer Schrödinger’s Grape Juice, I would understand.

CHH:  I was looking for Schrödinger’s Grape Juice, but I couldn’t find it.  I asked where it was, and some people said it was in that aisle, and some people said it wasn’t in that aisle.

But Bernoulli’s Grape Juice – that wakes me up in the morning!

Me: (reads about Bernoulli’s principle on Wikipedia; looks perplexed.)  Let’s see.  There’s the Bernoulli distribution. – that’s not it.  How about, “What is Bernoulli’s principle in simple terms?”  It says “In fluid dynamics, Bernoulli's principle states that an increase in the speed of a fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease in static pressure…”

CHH:  Doesn’t that apply to grape juice?

May-August

(Apparently we were not paying attention during the summer, perhaps because we actually did some traveling and moved our younger daughter twice.)

September

CHH told me, "The rabbi called to wish me gud yontif." Then he explained further, "Yontif is Jewish for yom tov."

October

At dinner, we were talking about how and when to celebrate all the upcoming holidays. I looked at the calendar and said, “Christmas is on a Saturday.”

Son:  Is there a special prayer for when shabbat falls on Christmas?

Me:  Dad is talking about going “hunting” on Christmas.

Son: When has Dad EVER gone hunting?!

CHH:  It’s a euphemism for Las Vegas.   Speaking of hunting, I met a guy at the casino today who said he went hunting and shot a moose.

Me, reading facts about moose, to try and find out if they are endangered: Moose grow to be six foot nine inches tall.

CHH: Joseph Conrad was 6 and a half feet tall.

Me: That’s an odd factoid to know about Joseph Conrad.

CHH:  Well, he looks really tall.

Me: : Joseph Conrad, the author of Heart of Darkness?!

CHH:  No, the guy who stars on The Rifleman.

Me:  Do you mean Chuck Connors?

(For the record, Chuck Connors was 6 ft 5 inches tall.  The internet does not know how tall Joseph Conrad was.  Apparently moose, at least the Northwestern Moose, are not considered endangered.  Also for the record, the CHH did not get to go hunting or to Las Vegas.  He regrets the latter.  )

November

CHH, complaining that the news is always the same:  “Every day Congress is subpoenie-weenying, and nothing ever happens.”

CHH, talking about the true history of the Exodus:  The manna was actually 9 egg sponge cake.  And after they ate it, someone said, ‘My mother’s was better.’

CHH’s suggestions for sequels to Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl:

Man's Search for a Comfortable Chair.

Man's Search for Cream Cheese. 

(If he had read Man’s Search for Meaning he would not be making light of it.  Or maybe he still would, because of the way 2020-2021 has messed with our brains.)

December

Me:  Can we splurge and get new bathroom rugs?

CHH:   Why?!  This is the first I’ve heard of this idea.

Me:  I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.  Our rugs are old and probably harbor a lot of germs.

CHH:  All I want is a heated toilet seat with Bluetooth technology in it.

And that’s a good dream to enter 2022 with.