Lo! It Comes With Clouds Descending

Found in the yard after the big storm

For behold, the Lord will bring a great wind with fury.  Her chariots of the storm shall deliver twigs, leaves, and all manner of sticks, spread over the grassy land of your field, and on the way of the driving, not to mention the deck.

The voice of the Lord shall break the cedars of Lebanon and the oaks of Allegheny County.  And you shall mourn the large and small trees that have been shattered and uprooted abroad in the land.  For lo, you shall remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.  Be humbled and thankful, therefore, that no large trees have been uprooted at the foot of your house.

You shall reflect with wonder on the geometrical object that fell out of the sky into the front yard, and shall think about calling it “manna”, i.e. “what is it?”   Though the Lord fed the people of old with the substance that fell from heaven, this does not look very much like bread but rather like the linchpin of the roof chamber of a nearby abode.

The underside of the object
found in the yard after the storm.

As Ruth the Moabitess picked up grain in the fields of Boaz, so too shall you pick up sticks in the yard, although, unlike the grain, the sticks cannot be made edible. 

Picking up sticks is vanity and a striving after wind.  And we all know we’ve had enough wind.  For lo, as you bend to pick up this stick, and straighten your 60+-year-old back to standing, you shall see that stick.  Look toward heaven and count the stars, if you are able to count them; so shall the number of sticks in your yard be.

And you shall sweat a great sweat as you labor, for lo, these are the days of fiery heat dome.  And your hair shall continually make its way to your mouth, causing you to groan inwardly, knowing that you shall again forget to make a haircut appointment once you go inside.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, for your husband has texted to say he will provide the evening meal from Giant Iggle.  This is a blessing and a mercy. Thanks be to God.

- The Book of Exertions 4:5-22

But seriously, what is that thing?

Weedy Thoughts

The so-called Hillside Garden

The Common Household Husband and I went outside on this day of uncommonly gorgeous weather.  We examined a part of our yard.  This particular plot is what we call “the hillside garden”, a short steep slope near the front of our yard, leading up to the neighbor’s yard. It may not merit being called a garden, as it has poor soil and is too steep to easily pull out weeds or plant new plants.  In the past 20+ years I constantly battled to grow anything beautiful there. Last year I gave up, and now it is overrun with grass, would-be green onions, large nasty-looking weeds, and evil-looking thorny thistlies.  

The same section of Hillside Garden in 2008.
There was columbine, azalea, phlox, and allium (unknown bulbs)

For some reason, this plot of land is deemed to be “my” garden.  I said to the CHH, “This part of my garden used to have phlox and day lilies and snow-in-summer.  Now look at it.  I think the guy who put the mulch on covered up all the good stuff.”

CHH:  I pulled out a lot of things yesterday.

Me: (eager to cast my gardening sins onto anybody else)  Did you pull out any phlox?  Do you even know what phlox looks like?  Nobody knows what phlox foliage looks like.

Phlox, 2011

It’s hard to face the truth, but verily, verily, the sorry state of this garden is not due to anything the landscaper did, nor to the actions of the CHH.

    

For the desire to do good gardening lies close at hand, but not the ability. For I have erred, and strayed from the ways of good gardening like lost earthworms. I have followed too much the devices and desires of my own heart, sitting around lazily reading novels and looking at cat memes on the internet. I have left undone the weeding which I ought to have done; And there is therefore no health in this garden.

- The Book of Exertions 7:18-20

Then we turned to examine the plot that CHH claims as “his” garden, which is on the eastern side of the house.  For this strip of garden, about two feet wide and running along the side of the house, a few years ago we brought in some excellent soil from elsewhere and started a new garden with fresh and bright new plants.

The Husband's Garden flourisheth.

CHH  Look how wonderful my garden is doing!

Me: Yes, it is.  

His garden is overflowing with healthy plants and many cheery yellow blooms that I don’t know the name of, and vibrant dianthus, which I do know the name of.  This plot requires almost no weeding, and there are no weeds evident now.   

I looked more closely at one spot. 

Photo credit: Common Household Husband.
He titles this photo "Suspicious Mounds".

Me: That’s an anthill right there.

CHH: No, it’s not.

Me:  It’s an anthill.

I was a bit alarmed because of past unpleasant gardening encounters with stinging ants.

CHH:  How do you know?  Are you an epitologist?

Me:  (I paused to try and understand this new field of study)... Umm, what? That’s an anthill, for sure.

CHH:  Are you an epidemiologist?  I mean are you an epistemologist?  How do you know this is an anthill?

Current weeds at the top of the Hillside Garden.
Capitalizing it makes it seem like it should
be in a novel.  Those green onions
could have been ornamental onions, 
but instead, they are a mess.

At that moment, my weedy thoughts had paralyzed my brain’s vocabulary synapses.  I wanted to correct these second and third fields of study that had been introduced in the conversation, but at that moment I could not think of the word “entomologist”.  So instead I studied the anthill more closely, hoping that I had the right glasses, ones that would enable me to see if there were any ants.  A lot of my life these days consists of not having the right glasses on, and not being able to remember the right word.

Me:  Look. There’s one ant, two, three, and another one.  It’s hard to count them because they are moving around.  This anthill is very close to the house.  (A horrible thought occurs to me.)  The ants are probably crawling up inside the wall of the house at this moment!  We’ll have to notify Netflix next time they come out.    Wait, not Netflix…

CHH:  We have to notify The Culligan Man.

Me:  Terminix!  We have to notify Terminix. 

A quick glance at Dr. Google reveals that ants are mostly good for the garden and yard, helping to protect plants against other harmful insects, and also aerating the soil.  These ant mounds are quite close to the house, though, so we have a decision to make.  The likely outcome is that Ant Inertia will move in, and the formicidae will be left alone.

Phlox and hyacinths growing in the
Hillside Garden, 2019

Suburban Housewife Retelling of the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

The Suburban Housewife Retelling of 

the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

from The Book of Exertions 20:1-16

The kingdom of heaven is like a parent of teenagers who got up early in the morning to oversee the task of painting the deck.  It was an odious task, involving nasty-smelling paint and working out in the hot sun all day.  The parent decided she wanted someone to help her.  At first the parent woke her son out of a sound sleep.  He got up and, lo, readily agreed to help paint the deck, after the parent promised him ice cream at the end of the day.  By nine o’clock, the parent inspected the work, and saw that the son had painted one-fourth of the deck.  The parent went inside and found her daughter lounging around watching a movie on her ipod.  And the parent said to her, “You also go outside and help paint the deck.  Ice cream at the end.”  

At noon, the sky clouded over and the parent saw that the deck-painting would have to be speeded up.  The oldest daughter woke up (she had gotten home in the wee hours of the morning, after going swing dancing all night). The parent told her, “You also go outside and help paint the deck.  Ice cream will be involved when you are done.”  At about five o’clock the parent saw that, despite the hard work of her three children, the task was not finished, and rain clouds were fast approaching.  She went inside the house, only to find her niece, who was visiting for a month, sitting on the couch reading a book.  The parent said, “Niece, I’ll give you ice cream when you are finished, if you will go out and help your cousins paint the deck.”  

As evening came, the teens finished painting the deck.  Fortunately for the parent, the rain never materialized (this story does not take place in Pittsburgh). And the parent said to her husband, “Call the teenagers and take us all out for ice cream.  We’ll get in line, beginning with our niece, who started working last, and ending with our son, who started working before 9 AM.”  And they each got one scoop of ice cream in a sugar cone, even the son who started working at the crack of dawn.  Even the parents, whose waistlines showed that they seriously didn’t need ice cream at all, got ice cream.

The son grumbled against his parents, saying that he deserved the banana split, because, lo, he had arisen at dawn and worked all day painting the deck.  But the parent said to him, “Thank you so much, son, for painting the deck.  We really appreciate all your hard work.  We promised you ice cream, and here we all are, getting ice cream.  We chose to reward you not by paying you all an equitable wage, because we know it would have cost us at least $300 to hire someone else to paint the deck for us, but by buying $20 worth of ice cream.  That was our choice.  We’re the parents, and this family isn’t a democracy.  We hope we can all enjoy our ice cream together.”

Alternate ending

Because the teens had all studied economics and understood the principle of marginal rates, none of them complained.  They were also extremely grateful teens who recognized all the gifts their parents had given them over the years: teaching them to tie their shoes, putting them in their car seats, making that birthday cake in the shape of a train, buying them Harry Potter books, paying for a Netflix account, and, most of all, driving them all over God’s blessed creation, dag nab it.  In fact, in gratitude to their parents, these teens were overjoyed to paint the deck and viewed the ice cream as an extra.  Now THAT would be the kingdom of heaven.

About this parable, my husband said:

One person started complaining, and began asking questions about the staff:  Have they done what they actually were supposed to do, for their pay?  Where are the performance evaluations for the staff, and why aren’t they being followed?  That same person who went around and complained about everything went around to everyone, explaining how the leadership is messing everything up because they bollixed up their hiring system and payment system.  And then somebody says, “Why do we have a vineyard anyway? We should have a basketball court!”

***

For the record, the Common Household Son never grumbles against his parents.

***

The original scripture

Matthew 20:1-16

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. 2 After agreeing with the laborers for the usual daily wage, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 When he went out about nine o’clock, he saw others standing idle in the marketplace; 4 and he said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went. 5 When he went out again about noon and about three o’clock, he did the same. 6 And about five o’clock he went out and found others standing around; and he said to them, ‘Why are you standing here idle all day?’ 7 They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard.’ 8 When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his manager, ‘Call the laborers and give them their pay, beginning with the last and then going to the first.’ 9 When those hired about five o’clock came, each of them received the usual daily wage. 10 Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of them also received the usual daily wage. 11 And when they received it, they grumbled against the landowner, 12 saying, ‘These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’ 13 But he replied to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? 14 Take what belongs to you and go; I choose to give to this last the same as I give to you. 15 Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or are you envious because I am generous?’ 16 So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

Sacred Use for a Kippah

Greater love has no one than this: that she wear a mask when venturing into a public place during a novel coronavirus outbreak.  My mask protects you, and your mask protects me.   

- The Book of Admonitions 15:12-13

And you shall fashion a face mask out of any cloth you find in the deep recesses of your abode.  Lo, you shall unearth the sewing box from its hiding place of the past 20 years and you shall discover bands of elastic that appear to still be stretchy, even though they be as old as Methuselah.  Praise the Lord.

The Lord will place upon your heart the shape of a face mask; God will write upon your mind the shape of a kippah.  Behold, the shapes are nearly the same.  And you will remember the way in which you ordered far more kippot than necessary, for each of your children’s bnai mitzvot, because they had to be ordered in batches of 144.  The Spirit of God will lead you to your office, on top of that filing cabinet, where you will find the plastic bag that, lo and behold, is still filled with kippot from those blessed events. 

And you shall engage in all kinds of craft, just as in the great tradition of Oholiab and Bezalel, including cutting, tying knots, stapling, and taping.  You shall find a youtube video to get you started.  Thus shall you create a face mask so that you may keep the ordinances and statutes concerning the protection of your community from the covid-19 virus.  And God will declare this to be a holy use of the kippah.

- The Book of Exertions 5:23-31

* * * * * *

I made a passable face mask out of kippot from my children’s bar & bat mitzvahs.

This is not meant to be a mask for medical staff.  I made this because the Governor of Pennsylvania announced that in the event that we ordinary folk must go to a public place, such as the grocery store, we should each and every one of us wear a mask.  It's impossible to buy a mask these days, so we must be creative and make our own.  Having a homemade mask does not mean we should go traipsing around and mingling in public places, but it makes it safer for those around us when we must go out in public. 

Here’s how I did it.

This youtube video gave me my starting point.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcUbHULTja0&fbclid=IwAR0BpNTpHD6G1mYGcKsZ3XFQIraub1j8pjT8hHrLeELsDjPelJ2sWrXCmI4

(I am too tired to figure out how to embed the video.  If the link doesn't work, go to youtube and try searching on "Homemade Kippah Masks Otto Dube".)

Materials used for one face mask:

a kippah (yarmulke, skull cap)

two 10 inch pieces of elastic

standard-size paper clip

scissors

stapler

masking tape or freezer tape

A kippah is a yarmulke, the head covering that many Jews wear.  For a bar/bat mitzvah, it is customary to order kippot, one for every guest, with the budding adult’s name stamped on the inside.  We have a number of these left over from the ceremonies of our three children.  The top layer is some kind of nylon or satin fabric; the inside layer is something sort of cottony.

Once I found our leftover kippot, I washed a few, along with some cotton napkins that also might be made into face masks.  The kippot survived the washing machine just fine.   I believe this is a small miracle.

I tried the technique in the video with a kippah from my daughter’s bat mitzvah.  The trim around the edge made the resulting mask bunch in the wrong places.  And the rubber bands I had were very uncomfortable and did not fit correctly. 

So I started over, and set to work to remove the gold braid trim.  This was easier than I thought it would be.  After a few snips, I was able to pull the trim right off.  The rest of the kippah remained intact.  Whew!

Using some very old elastic I found in my ancient sewing box in the basement, I then measured a 10 inch length of elastic, and then a second 10-inch piece.  I put the two ends together, and tied a simple knot.  And again for the second piece of elastic, resulting in two loops of elastic, like a rubber band, but better sized and more comfortable.

Sorry it's blurry.  You put the two ends together,
wrap 'em around your finger, and pull through to make
a knot.  If you are Scout you will know the
name of this knot, but I do not.

The resulting knot.  Blurry, I know.

I then used this elastic loop as in the video – I found the inside seam in the kippah, placed the elastic loop there, folded over the edge of the kippah, and stapled it.  Just one staple seems sufficient.  And repeat on the opposite end of the kippah.

Voila!

Then I took a standard-sized paper clip, bent it straight, and then bent it some more to put a little bump in the middle.  This will be to bend over your nose, for a better fit.

I put the paper clip at the top of the kippah-mask on the inside.  I taped it there with freezer tape.  We will see how the tape fares goes when I put this mask in the washing machine for re-use.

In this photo, the top of the face mask is to the left.

Then I folded over the kippah fabric on top of the paper clip, and put in four staples.

The mask is done.

You put the kippah over your nose and mouth, attaching the elastic behind your ears.  Press down on the paper clip to make it tight with your nose. 

Take the decorative trim that you removed from the kippah and find a new decorative use for it.

Press gently on the paper clip portion of the mask
to help the mask fit closely over your nose.
It won't be a completely tight seal.  

New use for decorative trim

I wore this mask when we went tonight to pick up pizza.  This was the first time I had been out of my neighborhood in more than a week.  This was our first time getting take-out food. We've been cooking in, mostly.  The mask worked fine, and it's now ready to be washed for re-use.

Next task:  making a mask out of an old t-shirt.

Jubilate with Cake

Going Gray by Elise Neill
On display at our township's
first ever Recyclable Art Show

In the third week of the eighth month, there shall be a celebration. And though it is not a celebration you particularly want, as you need no reminders that you are getting older, thus shall the Lord command:

Thou shalt eat of cake, provided by the Common Household Husband, and there shall be some cake saved for him, even as he is only meant to eat of jello in his current state. Thou shalt not bring him any bagels.

Thou shalt enjoy presents, possibly including sticky notes, and thou shalt wonder whether your daughter actually finished cleaning up her room yet, as you did really want that her to find that shirt that she bought from bell choir, where they make a joyous and very loud noise.

Thou shalt be thankful that you have the option of getting one year older, lo, as opposed to disintegrating into dust as your children often remind you you shall. Thou shalt remind thyself that the birthday celebration is as much for others as for thyself, as demonstrated by the male progeny returning to the house of his parents, for this birthday is just as much about allowing others to eat of cake as it is for thyself to eat of cake.

And lastly, thou shalt not regret not having time to make a pie. For having a husband in the hospital is hard enough, without having to think about baking anything for a while.

                                                                      -       The Book of Jubilations 9:1-14 

This ancient passage was revealed this week by Younger Daughter.  For my birthday she presented me with a twenty-page tome entitled The Common Household Bible.  This venerable volume consisted of my scripturish blog posts, interspersed with holy writings (newly revealed to Younger Daughter as she sat in her cave-room) pertaining to the Common Household, the passage above being just one example.

This is a work of love and I love it.  It provided much levity during a week which was difficult, not only for national news (which is always difficult these days), but also because of the Common Household Husband’s quite brief stay in the hospital.  (Please do not tell my mother he was in the hospital.)  He is out of the hospital and doing fine.

The cake was chocolate with chocolate frosting and raspberry filling.  And then there was another chocolate cake with chocolate frosting at book club. Jubilation!