A Pre-Passover Lament

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Seder plate with origami shankbone

The Parable of the Wise Maidens and

 the Foolish Middle-Aged Woman

The holiday of Passover shall be like this:  It shall be one week before Passover; there remain only six days before the feast.  The wise maidens shall take their lamps and their flasks of oil, and seeking out the matzo meal and the eggs, shall begin to prepare the feast. The foolish woman of the Common Household shall confess she has not whipped one egg white, nor soaked one matzo, nor formed one single matzo ball.

The wise maidens have already filled their pantry with the unleavened bread that is Kosher for Passover, while the foolish woman shall go late to seek provisions, and find there remains not one box of Passover matzo.  Lo, all twelve boxes that the grocery store had on display have all been bought by the more savvy maidens who were actually paying attention and looked at their calendars.

Though the Lord God created the heavens and the earth and all that is in them in six days, the foolish woman will be hard pressed to see how she can create even one seder meal, with all the requisite parts, in six days.  Her soul shall wax weak and her bones shall be vexed.  She shall spill forth her remorse in a blog post, thus confirming her status as the Queen of Procrastination. 

In days of old, the Common Household Mom would gird her loins and form her battle plans for the Passover meal in the month of Adar. Lo, even before the Purim costumes had been dreamed of, she had mapped out each meal of Passover.  A full three weeks before the Exodus from Egypt, the Common Household freezer would burst in its abundance of Passover bagels, lemon squares, and chicken soup.  Like the wise maidens, she was ready for the feast.

But behold, says the Lord, I am doing a new thing on heaven and on earth.  Half the point of this holiday is that The People left the land of slavery in such haste that they had to bake their bread into forms very like square pieces of cardboard with evenly spaced perforations.  As in days of really old, with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, I the Lord will give strength to the weary.  O foolish woman, despite your nasty cold, you shall rise up and begin to whip the eggs.  You shall ask your son to bring matzo that is Kosher for Passover from another town with a larger Jewish population. You shall have the strength of an unicorn, or at least enough strength to make the apple-matzo kugel that is the joy of your husband. 

You shall no longer eat the bread of idleness.  Truly I tell you, you shall not eat bread at all, for eight days (or maybe seven, but who’s counting?).  You will make ready your chariot and get to the store to buy your brisket and matzo ball mix.  You shall find succor in the story of the Israelites, who trusted that whatever journey lay before them, God would be with them. 

And so it is for both the wise maidens and the foolish middle-aged woman:  keep awake, for, at least this time, you do know the day and the hour:  Friday at sundown. 

                                                                                           - The Book of Exertions, 12:1-28

Sometimes with this child, one has to be precise.

Update:  I did manage to get two boxes of Passover matzo, so we'll have enough to get by, if Son isn't able to come through with the out-of-town matzo.

Wandering through the Living Room Desert

Signs to provoke thought during our festive meal

When Passover was just a pimply-faced adolescent holiday, its yearbook tag line was “Most Likely to Cause Crumbs.”  This year, yet again, it is living up to its high school reputation.  Passover has always struck me as a holiday that is nearly impossible without loads of modern conveniences – a mixer to whip thousands of egg whites, a freezer, a refrigerator, and, for those crumbs, a vacuum cleaner.

Passover is the remembrance of that time when the Israelites left slavery in Egypt to make their 40-year trek through the desert to the Promised Land.  This year, on our seder night, we used modern conveniences to pretend that our very suburban American living room was an Israelite tent in the desert.  I drew the line at bringing actual sand in the house, so we used numerous sheets and blankets to lay a floor of “sand.”  Husband went out and splurged on some thick Bedouiny cushions.

The one thing a tent would have is a swoopy roof.  The best I could do is put gobs of red streamers up.  They are still up. Passover is still acting like a sullen teen, and refuses to help take them down.

 

Desert animals, sort of

One of us, I’m not sure who, decided that we should invite some desert animals into our tent. I thought a camel and a snake would be appropriate. YD insisted on a desert cat, desert rabbits, and a dragon.  The Husband insisted on dogs, tortoises and dolphins.  FYI, dolphins in the desert are biblical:

Exodus 25:5 International Standard Version (ISV)

⁵ ram skins dyed^[a] red, dolphin^[b] skins, and acacia wood;

 

Desert animals? A sea tortoise?

We borrowed some Biblical costumes from church, and offered our guests the option of wearing them.  Our teenaged guests were not sullen at all, but were up for wearing costumes.

Hooray for participatory teens

Two of our guests were young children.  They did not want to wear a costume, but they were quite appreciative of all the desert animals.  The whole thing was loads more fun with young kids there.  But I think they would have been bored if we had done the seder the usual way, locked into our seats at the formal dining room table.

 

Moses (army man) in the desert with the burning bush

YD told the Passover story. The Jurassic Park game board represented Egypt, dinosaurs were Pharaoh and the Egyptians, and, paradoxically, army men for the Israelites.  The plagues were represented by various candies.  A chocolate sheep played the role of the Passover lamb, which YD crushed mercilessly.  Red Twizzlers for the lamb’s blood on the lintels and doorposts.  My mother-in-law is rolling over in her grave at this kind of retelling, but the little kids loved it.

 

Israelites (army men) about to cross the sea

Matzo, horseradish, and haroset were shared by all in our tent.  That Hillel sandwich makes a LOT of crumbs.

It may have been a crumby holiday, but it was not a crummy holiday at all. 

We ate our actual dinner in the dining room.

Signs in the dining room, including a quote
from Frederick Douglass, of recent fame.

More signs to provoke thought.

Festive Learning

After four solid days of festive meals, we are feeling joyful and lethargic all at the same time.  Last Thursday was Maundy, with a “light supper” and communion at church.  “Light supper” means a hearty chicken soup with really thick noodles, and breads from around the world.  Since that was my last chance to eat bread for a while, I really loaded up.  Yeast bread with butter is as good as candy, especially when you know you have to switch to unleavened for the next seven days.

Friday during the day I attempted to fast in recognition of Good Friday, since I could not go to Tenebrae that evening.  I learned that it is not advisable to prepare tax returns while fasting.  One should not be rendering unto Caesar while fasting unto God.  I was actually doing Older Daughter’s tax return, and ran into snafus that frustrated me enough that I decided to end my fast around two o’clock.

Seder plate

Friday evening for the first time in forever we went to someone else’s house for the first night Seder.   It was lovely, and we learned about some different traditions.  I had never heard of Miriam’s Cup, which is a ritual to honor women.

Saturday evening we went to the second-night seder at our synagogue.   It was lovely, and I learned even more.  I learned that “Chad Gadya” is a very violent song with animals slaughtering each other, and fire, and the Angel of Death.  I figured it is a children’s song, but a friend just mentioned that it is a political commentary.  I will need to investigate and learn more!

 

CHM avec Easter bonnet and hyacinth, which I
will NOT put outside where the attack
rabbits can get at it.

Today in the morning we praised God for the Resurrection Miracle.  I wore my Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it.  Then home for more cooking.   Jesus was a good Jewish boy so I think he would approve of yet another celebration with food.  No Passover ham this time, but roast beast.

Easter Dinner menu

Pot roast with carrots and celery

Oven-broasted Brussels sprouts

Roasted beets

Potato kugel

Apple-raisin matzo kugel

Passover bagels

Passover Lemon Squares

I asked Youngest Daughter to help me with the cooking, but she would not cook the Brussels sprouts or the beets.  I learned that I should NOT put Brussels sprouts in the oven and then go read my book.  I like to cook the loose Brussels sprout leaves separately because they make a delicious snack, but I forgot that they only take a few minutes to cook.  After a few chapters of reading my book* in the bedroom, I detected a certain smell coming from downstairs.  The leaves were completely charred.  The Brussels sprouts themselves were okay, if a bit black. 

YD made Passover bagels and Passover lemon squares all by herself (she was hungry, I guess). AND she did the dishes.  We had a wonderful quiet low-key meal, just the three of us. 

YD, experiencing celebration exhaustion.  And this
was only on Friday!

Whew.

Did you celebrate anything in the past few days?

*Barbara Pym!

Two Certain Things in Life

Yesterday Youngest Daughter pointed out that I haven’t posted on the blog for a “really long time.”   In her view, photos of snow, as populated my last post, are not real posts.

“I’ve been very busy!” I protested.  “I have to do the taxes!”

When one is self-employed, one always has to do taxes.  I don’t necessarily object to paying the taxes, but to the filling out and sending of forms that is ever hanging over my head.  These days I am responsible for more people’s tax documents than my own.

I added, “But you know, I have five or six blog posts floating around in my head all the time.  I don’t get to write them down, and eventually they float away and disappear.”

YD:  “Mom, that’s so sad.  You should put off the taxes and write on your blog.”

Me: “But the punishment for not filing your taxes on time is pretty severe.” 

YD:  “It couldn’t possibly be as bad as a disappearing blog post.”

That’s the spirit.  Accountants, make way for the writers!  (I hope accountants do not take offense.  We are extremely grateful to the accountants who prepare the tax returns for all our elderly relatives.)

The truth is, there is way more to do around here than tax returns.  There are two sure things in the life of the Common Household:  taxes and Passover food.  Folks, Passover is almost upon us.  It’s time to pull out the special recipes and baking materials. 

I didn't have a gold medal, so the
matzo meal has won the Celtic art medal instead.

In the Great Baking Race that is the Common Household preparation for Passover, the three top contenders are matzo meal, cake meal, and potato starch.   Matzo meal gets the gold medal: while most Passover desserts require cake meal and/or potato starch, traditional Passover meal recipes usually call for matzo meal.  You cannot make matzo balls of any size without matzo meal.

For some reason, these matzo balls remind me of
alligators lurking below the surface of the water.

In Passover cooking, eggs get their own category.  They are the heavy-weight champs.  It would be nearly impossible to have the expected Passover without eggs.

 

For some reason, egg whites at stiff peak do not
count as leavening.  Good thing!

A successful Passover cake, but, according to my husband,
 never as good as my mother-in-law's cake

Passover will be different this year, because we are not having a seder at our house at all.  No cooking of brisket will occur here.  But still, I should get busy baking our family’s three favorites:  Passover lemon squares, Passover brownies, and Passover bagels.

So if you are looking for me, you can find me either at www.irs.gov or in the kitchen.  Because it would just be wrong to lie around all day reading Barbara Pym novels and eating bonbons.