The best gift?

This is what my husband gave me for Valentine's Day:

Flowers and a box of... facial tissues.   The flowers are obviously loving, but I need to assure my readers that the tissues also represent a loving gesture on his part, because I have a wicked cold, and will need to take a box of tissues with me everywhere I go for the next two weeks.

I am going to give him chocolate, because if anything should be given on this Hallmark Holiday, it's chocolate (yes, my darling, that is a hint for next year).  Endangered Species dark chocolate with raspberries - it's his favorite kind.  And I will give him the further gift of not eating the chocolate that I give to him.  That right there is a very generous gift.

For myself, I have made a big pot of homemade chicken soup.  My friend says that shiksas make the best chicken soup.  This shiksa believes in the restorative powers of chicken soup.

What's your best remedy for a cold?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

I saw this question posted online, with answers from forty-some Great Thinkers such as…

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

I thought it was clever, and sent it to my children.  My son responded the next day with his own list of philosophers’ answers.  I was surprised that he knew anything about O.J. Simpson, Mr. T., and that episode in the life of Pres. Bill Clinton.  Did they teach him about that stuff in school?

Without further ado, his answers:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Melville:  To seek revenge on the great white farmer.

Romney:  To create jobs and help small businesses.

Hillel:  What is the significance of chickens in the book of Exodus?

Mao tse-Tung:  It crossed the road for the greater good of all China!

Calvin:  It was destined to cross the road.

Martin Luther King, Jr:  I have a dream that chickens may be judged by the quality of their meat, not by the color of their eggs.

Gandhi:  To nonviolently demonstrate against the unjust traffic.

Clinton:  That depends on the meaning of the word 'why'.

Neil Armstrong:  That's one small step for a chicken ... one great leap for birdkind.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  The chicken must be terminated.

Kennedy:  Ask not why the chicken crossed the road, ask why the road was in the middle of a chicken coop.

Darth Sidious:  The chicken was following the path to the Dark Side.

Mad Libs:  The elephant crossed the desert in order to jump the slime.

Michael Faraday:  The chicken was following the lines of a chicken force field across the road.

Mr. T:  I pity the chicken!

Newton:  There was a net force being exerted on the chicken, which caused it to accelerate in the positive x direction, overcome the force of static friction, and crossing the road.

Osama bin Laden:  The chicken was leading a jihad against the infidels!

Jesus:  The chicken wished for his neighbor to cross the road.

OJ Simpson:  I don't know anything about any chicken, but if I did, this is why it would've crossed the road...

Lavoisier:  The chicken had the same mass before and after crossing the road.

Tolkien:  The chicken was embarking on a long journey through Middle Farm to destroy the Egg of Power by casting it into the Stove of Doom.

Mr. A (his 10^th grade chemistry teacher):  There was a difference in the concentration of chickens from one side of the road to the other, so the chickens naturally sought to establish equilibrium.

* * * * *

Would you like to add one of your own?

To My Scientifically-Minded Son

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

1. I arose from an important female medical procedure to find a text from you saying, “Science Bowl practice today!  Come pick me up now” and I did, instead of going home to rest as was my original plan.

2. While driving you home from Science Bowl practice, I told you about my friend who has a cool job at the Science Center in which he demonstrates hydrogen explosions.

3. I listened as you enthusiastically reminded me about the Hindenburg, and tried to explain to me why sodium something-or-other explodes when put in water.

4.  I forbad you from bring sodium something-or-other into the house.

5.  This morning I arose from my bed at 6:20 AM to take you to an activity you call “chem club lab”.

6.  That’s enough ways right now.  I’m going back to bed.

Dinner Conversation about Future Dinners

Last week, Kristy said she was in a cooking funk.  I am too – maybe it is a symptom of grieving.  Even so, I should know better than to ask for dinner ideas from the Common Household, especially while we are eating dinner. 

A few nights ago we had this conversation, which came up because the Common Household Husband expressed some discontent with the dinner I had prepared since coming back from the Old Folks Home.  I had gone for several days to help my Mom cope and plan the memorial service which will be in a few weeks.  At the Old Folks Home there is food just everywhere.  

Once we were all back home, my husband wanted to pick up take-out, but I just wanted something simple as an antidote to the overabundance and gourmet nature of the food I ate for four days.  That sounds an awful lot like the Israelites complaining about God's wonderful gift of manna, but that’s just how I felt.

Me:  If you are at all interested in what we are going to have for dinner this week, please make suggestions for what I should cook.

Husband:  I’d like meatloaf.

Youngest Daughter:  Mommy, you know what I always ask for. 

Me:  I have no idea.

YD:  I’d like M and C.

Son:  What is M and C?

Husband:    Mice and Cockroaches!

Me:  Oh, PLEASE!  I am trying to eat here.

YD: M and C is macaroni and cheese!

Husband:  Ramen noodles aren’t too bad either.

YD:  Ramen noodles taste pretty good as long as you use the flavor packet!

Son:   What if I used the mac ’n’ cheese flavor packet on the ramen noodles?

YD: You could do that.  You could use the mac ’n’ cheese packet, and also substitute the mac ’n’ cheese pasta in place of the ramen noodles.

Husband:    Or you could substitute cream of mushroom soup.  In fact, I think I would like cream of mushroom soup noodle loaf.  Put it in the fridge and it would be sort of like meat loaf.

Me:   (further losing my appetite for the dinner in front of me)

YD: Poor Daddy.  You love cream of mushroom soup so much that you would eat it congealed.

Husband:    Well.  Cream of mushroom soup probably does have clotting factors in it.

And then ensued a whole conversation about blood.  During dinner.  While I was eating.  Is it any wonder I am in a cooking funk?  And how is it that I have raised children who speak positively of ramen noodles?

Events of the Day

- Towards the end of a restless night, I was awakened by the phone at 5:30 AM informing us that there would be a two-hour delay, due to Ice Storminess.  The teens who benefit from this decision slept through the phone call.  Not me.  It’s my job to post the news.

My very modern news distribution technique.

That's 1/4 inch of ice all over that front walk.

- While I was taking my shower this morning, I recalled the dream I had last night.  I periodically have a dream about being in the back seat of a moving car with no driver.   Sometimes this is a nightmare, and the car goes over a cliff.  A few times I have dreamt that I am controlling the car with my mind from the back seat.  (Someone needs to develop this technology.  Maybe DARPA already has.)  This time the dream was not scary, just a curious thing that the car could go without a driver. 

- Still in the shower, I moved on to ponder life, death, and everything in-between, when a stink bug fell from on high.  Usually I am not afraid of bugs, but when I am not wearing my SuperMom superhero suit, and a prehistoric ugly thing falls on me, I can get jumpy.  I shrieked (but only once).  Then I viciously stomped on it, and immediately regretted it, since it broke the cardinal rule about stink bugs: never crush one.  Always capture a stink bug and carry it carefully to the outside.  I wasn’t dressed properly for that maneuver. I swished the carcass toward the drain, hoping it would fit through and be washed away.  It did.  Whew.

- Later on, I e-mailed my husband about my dream.  He played Joseph to my Pharaoh, and wrote: “The car dream suggests that you feel that your life is out of control and that no one is at the helm.   Just remember that there are some things that are uncontrollable, just as there are some things that are unknowable.  But also remember that the universe regresses towards a mean, so things generally work out.”  I am glad that my dream has statistical value.

- I tried to do some paid work today, but had difficulty concentrating.  Finally I put it aside and made the rest of the phone calls on behalf of my Mom, informing people of my father’s death.  I hate leaving such a message on voicemail, but it became necessary, as nine days have gone by already, and my Mom was getting nervous about it.

- I mustered my energy and went to the grocery store.  I’m not much interested in cooking or eating, but it seems the rest of the family is interested (in me doing the cooking, and them doing the eating).  How fortuitous that right next to the grocery store is the liquor store!  I stopped in and bought some wine, including this one which I bought solely because of the name.  I am the middle child (although definitely not sassy).  I’ve been especially grateful for my brothers in the past days and weeks.   And very soon in the future, I will be grateful for the chance to try this wine.

- I took a nap.  I took a nap! 

- My husband says that the stink bug might get stuck in the shower drain.  But that is not something I am going to worry about tonight.

Go Gently

Youngest Daughter wrote this poem in December, and I wanted to share it with my readers.




Go Gently Into That Good Night

“Do not go gentle into that good night.”
These are words that are well known
To any who quake at the sight
Of going to our divine home.
The greatness before us as we go
Into the darkness, grave and deep,
Is shattering to those below,
So that our souls do break and weep.
The night, though, does not frighten me,
For I have heard the legends said:
The happiness they say you see,
The care death brings, when life has fled.

But to those who stay behind
Death is a grievous blow.
Enough so that a few have mind
To join in the eternal flow
Of angel’s song, with loved ones dear.
But most stay behind and shed
A tear for those who stay down here,
And also for those who have fled.
But death, my friends, so I have heard,
Is everything that you could hope.
So why our tears, our spoken word,
The way we simply have to cope?

We weep for those who stay behind,
While loved ones go to greater things.
We weep, for who would have the mind
For cheerful shouts and joyous rings
As they go where we cannot
Until we join them in our time
And love again, in that holy spot
Where joy is reason, love is rhyme?

We weep, yes, it should be so
When they leave us, but I say
If it is in pain they go
Then let them be. If I may
Care to say so, let me tell
That if in pain, and death is near,
Do not make your loved ones dwell.
Do not make them linger here
For then we think of us alone,
We think of how afraid we’ll be
And sad, as well, as they are shown
Into the world we’ll one day see
A part of, but now we go on.
But if in pain, then they should not.
If a young life, I am wrong.
If life is full, then I am not.
For they have lived a life worth living,
Full of goodness, full of light.
So if in pain, then think of giving
And let them go to that good night.



This text is copyrighted.  All rights reserved.

Help, Thanks, Wow

Next week is going to be a very tough week for the Common Household.   This isn’t an easy post to write, and no fun to read, either.

My father went to the hospital Tuesday with an infection, and the outcome is not good.  Today he entered hospice care. I’ve had a steely resolve about hospice care being the right thing for him, for quite some time now.  Why, now that the time has come, has my steeliness dissolved?  I still know it’s the right decision, but I am not feeling like steel at all.

In the coming week, my husband will be traveling to go to his uncle’s funeral.  Another sadness, and I can’t go with him.  One unnerving thing about his trip is that he has booked a room at a hotel which costs $54 a night.  I am under the perhaps snobbish impression that if one stays at a hotel at that low price, one will get caught in drug-raid crossfire or will be overtaken by vicious molds.  (This is what comes of watching Downton Abbey every day of the week.)  On several counts, I’ll be very relieved when he returns. 

I was going to go to see my parents today, but last night Youngest Daughter had a fever.  It looks like it is just a bad cold – the fever is gone, and for that I am quite grateful.  But I am here, and not there where I could have been some help to my Mom.  Who knows, though – maybe I am meant to be here at home.

I will try to carry on this week, helping my kids go on with their normal lives, but with a layer of prayer underlying everything.  Anne Lamott says that the three main modes of prayer are Help, Thanks, and Wow.  I will be using all three prayers liberally this coming week.  (I’ve said Help a lot already, and I'm saying Thanks and Wow today for the support and love I’m receiving from friends.)  And I’ll probably be doing a lot of crying, laughing, singing, and baking. Anything to get through it.

Update:  My dad passed away peacefully, in the presence of my Mom and my brother, late in the evening on January 19.