This “conversation”, which occurred in November 2018, shall serve
as a public service announcement about the need to avoid group texting unless
absolutely necessary, like, if you are a chaperone in the marching band and
need all students come to the busses at once.
Except for that, don’t do group text.
You can tell this is a text conversation by the appalling lack of
concluding punctuation.
Husband:
Here is our thanksgiving dinner!
(with photo of turkey in freezer)
Older Daughter: What dish should I bring?
(Oh, happy day! She really is an adult. Only a true adult would offer, without being
asked, to bring a dish.)
Son: Are we carpooling?
(There followed a discussion about whether they could travel to
our house together, which meant lots of annoying pings, because Group Text.)
Older Daughter: No one has
answered yet what dish I should bring
Son: You should bring my plates!
(For Rosh Hashanah, Older Daughter had hosted the meal at her
house. More evidence of adulting! She threatened to charge her brother $5 for
the meal if he didn’t bring something to the meal. He brought garlic bread on two plates, but
left his plates at her house.)
Husband: How about cranberry relish
OD: Ok, and no
Husband:
What does that mean
Husband: Fine. I’m charging you $5
OD: I’m not making a dish that I
don’t like
YD:
Stuffing?
OD: I could bring cranberry in a can
Me: Yes.
(I immediately regretted this response. Son is old enough to contribute something to
the dinner, too, and he should be the one bringing the cranberry in a can,
because he has fewer resources than OD.)
Me:
You could bring dinner rolls
OD: Ok! Spicy dinner rolls
Husband:
Yeah. Kung pao dinner rolls. With candy on top.
OD: And shrimp
Son, fearing that one of his favorite parts of the Thanksgiving
dinner would not be available: Should I bring some actual rolls?
Husband:
How about egg rolls?
OD: How about jelly rolls?
Me: You people.
SMH
YD:
What does that mean?
Son:
“shaking my head”. I just looked it up
OD: Shake my hamster
YD:
Spoke many Horatios!
OD: Saucy mother’s headache
Son:
single-male household
OD: Smashing more heads
Me:
GROUP TEXT SHOULD BE USED
SPARINGLY
Son:
Dad started it!
YD:
Tools this powerful should only be in the hands of people like us!
Husband:
Ya scunners! I’ve decided we’re
having borscht for thanksgiving and that’s that.
(And now the group text conversation has deteriorated into
references to the Mac Nac Feegle of the Terry Pratchett books, in which “ship”
means “sheep”.)
YD:
Shouldn’t we be havin’ the ships for Thanksgiving with these wee
dafties?
Husband:
And snails! Roasted snails with
lots of garlic
YD:
and beef Wellington!
Husband:
And deep fried stoat!
YD:
I think Mom is too appalled to respond.
Husband:
Mom is talking with Uncle J.
Yes, in fact, I was trying to have an actual vocal conversation
with my actual brother on my cell phone, while enduring the constant pinging of
the group text conversation.
Let’s take a vote: should
group text be outlawed, except for marching band?
