Today I found myself alone in the house for several hours. Just in case you, Dear Reader, ever find yourself in a similar situation on the day before the Superbowl, here are a few helpful DOs and DON’Ts.
DON’T go to the grocery store on the Saturday before the Superbowl and the day before a snowstorm is predicted to hit the area. You are likely to lose your favorite glove in the melee. There will be no reduced-fat Cheez-its left, even though your Younger Daughter specifically asked for Cheez-its. The store will be so crowded with ornery people that you will not be able to make it over to the toilet paper aisle and you yourself will become ornery.
DO leave the store and shed your orneriness by helping the guy with 20 helium balloons get the balloons into his car.
DON’T forget to get flour, if you are planning to bake something for the church bake sale. DO say “Damn” or something stronger when you realize you forgot.
DO pay your aunt’s bill before it is overdue.
DON’T try to calculate how long your aunt’s money will last. You will spend an hour down that rabbit hole and end up with an inaccurate number anyway, because you don’t know the secret number you need to calculate how much she must withdraw from her IRA, and you have no idea what her expenses really will be. Any answer you get will be depressing.
DO eat an apple for virtue points, and then DO open the small bag of Chex Mix that you have been saving, and DO watch an episode of Doctor Who.
DON’T make a new recipe for the church bake sale. DON’T make the recipe for Pumpkin Snickerdoodles that you got off the internet from some random person. Remember that you don’t have enough flour to make more than one kind of cookie.
DON’T spend 30 minutes looking for the salt. DON’T begin to think that your brain has a big hole in it, because why would you have not put the salt in at least one of its usual six places?
DO text your husband with this message: “I am losing my mind. I can’t find the SALT. Trying to make cookies for the $&@& church bake sale.” He will soon text back with this: “It’s upstairs on my bureau.” Why, yes it is! Because that's where everyone likes to keep the salt.
DO taste the new cookies. You will discover that they are disappointingly like cardboard, and you will decide not to take them to the church bake sale, even though this means you have to show up empty handed.
DO wish that you had made the cookies that your daughter asked you to make – chocolate chip cookies.
DO be thankful that you are not hosting a Superbowl party, and DO be thankful that you don’t give a hoot about America’s National Holiday tomorrow.
Y'all have a great time! I'm going to play the piano.