Unofficial National Holidays

Some non-Hostess-brand snacks for
a non-cannabis book club gathering.

On “Tax Day”, that universally acknowledged and scorned US observance, I was in the car on the way to mail my deceased aunt’s final tax returns, when I heard an announcement on the radio.  The announcer said that this week through April 20th, Hostess brands is going to station a Munchie Mobile outside cannabis dispensaries.  I don’t partake of either, but I thought the world should know, because these are ripe times for both unrestricted cannabis and unrestricted snacks.  Seems like a golden opportunity for J. M. Smucker, now the hapless owner of the Hostess brand, which brought us such delicacies as the Twinkie, the Ding Dong, and Donettes.

I heard this on, of all places, the classical music radio station.  Yet another way in which our world is topsy turvy.

Forbes calls April 20th “the unofficial national holiday”. 

At the Post Office there was a lengthy line of law-abiding citizens who were there to get the official USPS date stamp on their tax return.  If only we could count on the government on the receiving end to also be law abiding.  

Our nation's flag, on Nov 4, 2016

Where will these citizens be on Apr 20th, I wonder?

While I was there, I realized I could get some of those pre-stamped postcards.  Which I intend to use to send messages to my Senators.  I bought fifty.  What messages should I send to them?

Then on the way back home, my car’s Check Engine light came on.  My anxiety skyrockets when this light comes on.  But I have learned that, unlike some current dangers, the light often just goes away after a while.  

May it be so.

Some tax-related political rally costumes of the past (first one still applies today):

Promises, Promises

The promise made to us was that we Americans would be able to file our taxes on a form the size of a postcard.  Well.  It’s no surprise that this was a lie.

What a joke the new form is. It’s as if the purveyors of this tax scam took all the lines of the previous tax form, threw them up in the air and let them fall haphazardly on their dirty trickle-down floor.  Then they swept the lines into random piles, and pasted some of them onto six or seven new itty-bitty half-pages of forms.  They made sure to leave out the lines for your exemptions. The 1040 has turned into a monstrous pile of numbered “Schedules”. 

I knew the old 1040 form better than the back of my AGI.  For simpler returns than mine, we already had the 1040A and the 1040EZ.  Why go mucking it up by destroying the old mainstay 1040?   Just so you could say you shrank it to a postcard?  5” x 8” - that’s a mighty big postcard, Paul Ryan.

Last year our return had 5 forms; this year we have 9 forms.  Instead of my self-employment income getting its own line (copied once from Schedule C) it is like an afterthought, jammed into a little space where you can easily forget to add it in.  My self-employment income is downright insulted.  Maybe to make up for that, they made me copy that number to three different places.

This reveals the High Muckety-Mucks’ assumption: they assume the average mortal is not able to do her own tax return and turns it over to a software program or a paid tax preparer.  Well, I do it myself and it used to make sense to me.  This year it was needlessly complicated.  I generally don’t object to paying taxes, but I do object to having to jump through hoops to file and pay.

Welcome to this Brave New World.

Icebreaker Shares

This is a Public Service Announcement, to remind all of you out there who pay quarterly estimated income taxes that, in the skewed view of the government, June-Aug is the third quarter.  It’s time to pay up, Bub.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not against paying taxes.  I'm just against the screwy quarterly schedule the government has thought up.

Here is a related conversation I had yesterday at the Common Household dinner table. 

Me:  Today I bought one share of an icebreaker. 

Husband:  What?!  Why?

Me:   To protect us from the Russians.

Husband: How much did that cost?

Younger Daughter: Isn’t an icebreaker one of those silly exercises you have to do at the beginning of a meeting, to force you to get to know other people? 

(spoken like a true and proud introvert!)

Me:    This kind of icebreaker is a giant ship that can break up Arctic ice.  I heard on NPR that the Russians have forty icebreakers, but we only have two, so we need to build more icebreakers.  It’s important to keep up with Putin.

Husband:  But what do you mean, you ‘bought a share’?!

Me:  Today I paid my quarterly taxes.  An icebreaker costs 1 billion dollars, and in my view we paid enough taxes to buy a share.

Husband:  (sigh)

* * * *

The truth is that my quarterly tax payment on my part-time income is about enough to buy a share in a cup holder on that future icebreaker.  I should have framed it that way, because cup holders in vehicles are very important to the Common Household Husband.  Maybe I could get his name inscribed on the cup holder in our nation’s next icebreaker.

Dear Reader, what is your favorite icebreaker?

Two Certain Things in Life

Yesterday Youngest Daughter pointed out that I haven’t posted on the blog for a “really long time.”   In her view, photos of snow, as populated my last post, are not real posts.

“I’ve been very busy!” I protested.  “I have to do the taxes!”

When one is self-employed, one always has to do taxes.  I don’t necessarily object to paying the taxes, but to the filling out and sending of forms that is ever hanging over my head.  These days I am responsible for more people’s tax documents than my own.

I added, “But you know, I have five or six blog posts floating around in my head all the time.  I don’t get to write them down, and eventually they float away and disappear.”

YD:  “Mom, that’s so sad.  You should put off the taxes and write on your blog.”

Me: “But the punishment for not filing your taxes on time is pretty severe.” 

YD:  “It couldn’t possibly be as bad as a disappearing blog post.”

That’s the spirit.  Accountants, make way for the writers!  (I hope accountants do not take offense.  We are extremely grateful to the accountants who prepare the tax returns for all our elderly relatives.)

The truth is, there is way more to do around here than tax returns.  There are two sure things in the life of the Common Household:  taxes and Passover food.  Folks, Passover is almost upon us.  It’s time to pull out the special recipes and baking materials. 

I didn't have a gold medal, so the
matzo meal has won the Celtic art medal instead.

In the Great Baking Race that is the Common Household preparation for Passover, the three top contenders are matzo meal, cake meal, and potato starch.   Matzo meal gets the gold medal: while most Passover desserts require cake meal and/or potato starch, traditional Passover meal recipes usually call for matzo meal.  You cannot make matzo balls of any size without matzo meal.

For some reason, these matzo balls remind me of
alligators lurking below the surface of the water.

In Passover cooking, eggs get their own category.  They are the heavy-weight champs.  It would be nearly impossible to have the expected Passover without eggs.

 

For some reason, egg whites at stiff peak do not
count as leavening.  Good thing!

A successful Passover cake, but, according to my husband,
 never as good as my mother-in-law's cake

Passover will be different this year, because we are not having a seder at our house at all.  No cooking of brisket will occur here.  But still, I should get busy baking our family’s three favorites:  Passover lemon squares, Passover brownies, and Passover bagels.

So if you are looking for me, you can find me either at www.irs.gov or in the kitchen.  Because it would just be wrong to lie around all day reading Barbara Pym novels and eating bonbons.

Ready, Set, Taxes

We have achieved Perfect Storm conditions for the Preparation of the Tax Return. 

1.  Snowstorm – can’t go anywhere.  Might as well do the taxes.

This is just the snow SO FAR today.

2.  Household supplies for snowstorm procured.  

Some of these items are crucial to easing the tax prep process, too.

3. Clean desk.  The papers that remain are my aunt’s tax documents, which I have to mail to her accountant the moment the weather clears (probably Tuesday).  Plus that pesky set of paper that just refuse to have a destination.

Einstein stands guard, but now is standing in less dust.

For the purposes of honesty and comparison, here is what it looked like three days ago:

Oy vey!  Where does all this stuff come from?

This makes me think that maybe what I need is a combination service:  a snow removal - shopping - professional organizer - accountant.  Or maybe just a wine bottle opener.  Then again, that's what my husband is for.

Readers, what are you planning to do this afternoon and evening?  What combination service do you wish you could hire?