Dear Water Heater,
We are truly sorry for whatever we said or did that made you cry and sob so much that you wept gallons of water all over the basement floor. Please forgive us! We want you to know that we are grateful to you for convincing us to throw out most of the pile of stuff that was sitting on the floor, between you and the drain. You proved to us that we do not need that stuff.
We hope you realize that we had no choice but to replace you with a newer version immediately. Trust us when we tell you that we burst into tears when we saw the bill for the installation of your replacement. No matter the cost, though, the cold half-showers that we took today convinced us that getting your replacement was worth every one of the many, many pennies that it cost.
We do have to say that we had hoped you would be with us for another year, since your installation date was March 2005 and your lifespan was projected to be 10 years.
But still, I come back to what my son told me today: “The only time I ever found a cold shower to be bearable was at Scout Jamboree in Virginia in the middle of the day when the temperature was 100 degrees, and the humidity was even higher.”
With gratitude for your 9 years and 2 months of service to us,
The Common Household