Thus saith the Lord to the Common Household Mom (Parsha Lech Lecha):
Arise and go, go forth to a bathroom that I will show you. Turn neither to the right or the left, to facebook or to blogs, but get you hence and clean the bathroom. Lo, you shall be sure to clean the shower stall and the sink and the toilet and the floor; neither shall you neglect to shake out the bathroom rugs. I am the Lord.
These are the regulations concerning defiling molds and mildews in the shower stall, for pronouncing them clean or unclean. Verily I say to you, without even looking at it, I declare the shower stall to be unclean. You shall open the window for ventilation and shout “Unclean! Unclean!” Then you shall proceed to scrub the shower stall with noxious substances, for you are a stubborn and rebellious generation who refused to clean the shower stall last week.
And you shall curse the ground you walk on, for you disobeyed my commandment, and decided to clean the bathroom in bare feet. When you become filled with a spirit of wisdom, and finally put on protective footwear, beware of turning to evil. Do not put on the footwear that has previously been used for gardening. For lo, you lack sense and show everyone how stupid you are, that you would track additional dirt onto the bathroom floor.
Now that you have washed and made the bathroom clean, my wrath against you has subsided. And lo, you may rest after your labors, and write a blog post, and consume cookies until the end of the age, or dinner, whichever comes first.