Thursday, September 24, 2015

In Which The Husband Reads the Newspaper

Tomorrow morning I will be taking Younger Daughter to school at O-dark-ungodly-hour-thirty.  That means, sadly, that I will miss my husband reading the newspaper to me.  Here is how it went last week:

* * * * * * * *

I stumbled out of the bedroom, half asleep, and into the kitchen, where my husband was having breakfast.  I said, bewildered, “I just heard Steve Inskeep say that Iceland has the same population as the city of Pittsburgh.”

He responded, “Well, they can’t have the same population as Pittsburgh because we’re here, not in Iceland.”  I was comforted.

As I sat down to eat my breakfast, he proceeded to read the newspaper to me, as he often does.  I suppose ours is the only household in America where this occurs, because we are the only ones left who receive an actual newspaper.

Me:  But I ordered an icebreaker, not a tank hauler.

Husband:  You’d better check your receipt.     It says here that they are going to change the ten dollar bill.

Me:  Yeah, they have to put a woman on there.  But I don’t know why they aren’t taking Jackson off, instead of Hamilton.

Husband:  Michael Jackson is coming off the five dollar bill?
(He continues to read, about the county clerk in Kentucky who refuses to issue marriage licenses.)

Husband:  Why isn’t this person fired?

Me:  Yeah, that’s like a pharmacist that refuses to pass out medicines.

Husband:  Oh, she’s an elected official.  The person who hands out marriage licenses is an elected official!  That’s like having the Walmart clerk being an elected position…. She’s on her fourth husband.  She knows more about marriage than a lot of people.

Husband:    There are three billion trees on the planet. 

Me (thinking of mahogany, the American chestnut, and other threatened trees): But are they the right kind of trees? 

Husband:    Exactly.  Are they liberal or conservative trees?  Some of them might be gay trees.  Are any of them illegal alien trees?

* * * * * * * *

 So, folks, I'm curious.  How do you get your news?  Does your spouse read the news to you from an archaic, quaint, printed document? Or are you like my children, who don't bother about news?


Suburban Correspondent said...

We still take the paper. There's nothing I like better than watching my children absorbed in the comics or reading the other sections because they are bored. Some things there are no replacements for.

JJ said...

We still get the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Before retirement, I read it cover-to-cover. Then I began to scan the headlines, read the obits, and then the comics and weather. When I retired, I kept reading the obits and comics. I stopped reading the obits when my parents' generation died off and my contemporaries and those younger than me began to pass on. It was too depressing. I found that the print size in the comic section was too small and that oftentimes the comics weren't funny after all of that work. These days I see the front page laying on the piano bench. My husband occasionally mentions something that interests both of us. He watches C-Span every single morning as well as Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Lawrence O'Donnell, and Bill Maher. (We both miss Jon Stewart). He also reads the NYT online. I get most of my news online and get breaking news from CNN and the NYT. I love watching CNN and MSNBC but rarely have the time. I also enjoy listening to NPR.

Cassi said...

I want to move in with you guys, just for morning conversation. My husband is not a morning person, so I never really see him in the mornings. Living with you guys would be like living in a witty British comedy :-)

I get all my news from listening to NPR or reading online news sites. We have a local paper, but it's written at about the 6th grade level, and very politically conservative. Come to think of it, conservative and 6th grade are probably related to each other.

The Crislers said...

Yours may be morning conversation I could tolerate, which is saying something as I am a tiny bit of a bear in the morning.

Derek is an avid NPR listener, so most of my news is NPR-post-Derek-filter with a little news from the New York Times online edition thrown in. I enjoy newspapers, but find I only read them when I'm at my mom's house, possibly because I don't much care for the newspaper in our area.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I like to read the paper with my husband, but he does NOT because my commentary doesn't sit well with him (conservative SOB that he is).
I'm a NPR gal, too. Between the two I feel well-informed.
I'd love your morning chatter.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I usually get my news from NPR (our local paper is rather opinionated and not in my flavor) but obviously being a fly on your wall would be much more fun. Unless you swat flies... then I'd have to sit in the corner with a cup of coffee.