Tomorrow morning I will be taking Younger Daughter to school at O-dark-ungodly-hour-thirty. That means, sadly, that I will miss my husband reading the newspaper to me. Here is how it went last week:
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I stumbled out of the bedroom, half asleep, and into the kitchen, where my husband was having breakfast. I said, bewildered, “I just heard Steve Inskeep say that Iceland has the same population as the city of Pittsburgh.”
He responded, “Well, they can’t have the same population as Pittsburgh because we’re here, not in Iceland.” I was comforted.
As I sat down to eat my breakfast, he proceeded to read the newspaper to me, as he often does. I suppose ours is the only household in America where this occurs, because we are the only ones left who receive an actual newspaper.
Me: But I ordered an icebreaker, not a tank hauler.
Husband: You’d better check your receipt. … It says here that they are going to change the ten dollar bill.
Me: Yeah, they have to put a woman on there. But I don’t know why they aren’t taking Jackson off, instead of Hamilton.
Husband: Michael Jackson is coming off the five dollar bill?
(He continues to read, about the county clerk in Kentucky who refuses to issue marriage licenses.)
Husband: Why isn’t this person fired?
Me: Yeah, that’s like a pharmacist that refuses to pass out medicines.
Husband: Oh, she’s an elected official. The person who hands out marriage licenses is an elected official! That’s like having the Walmart clerk being an elected position…. She’s on her fourth husband. She knows more about marriage than a lot of people.
Husband: There are three billion trees on the planet.
Me (thinking of mahogany, the American chestnut, and other threatened trees): But are they the right kind of trees?
Husband: Exactly. Are they liberal or conservative trees? Some of them might be gay trees. Are any of them illegal alien trees?
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So, folks, I'm curious. How do you get your news? Does your spouse read the news to you from an archaic, quaint, printed document? Or are you like my children, who don't bother about news?