Sunday, February 24, 2013

I am the very model of

I am the very model of a perimenopausal gal
My body goes in fits and starts with matters that are menstrual,
My moods swing back and forth in ways that really seem unnatural,
And suddenly I’m lacking in some vitamins and mineral.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with problems that are cerebral,
Like trying to remember what I needed at the shopping mall.
About the use of estrogen I’m teeming with a lot of news,
With many cheerful facts about the HRT that I will choose.

As if that’s not enough, I have experienced the flashes hot –
I wonder if that qualifies me for some therapeutic pot.
In short, in matters estrogenal, hormonal and mineral,
I am the very model of a perimenopausal gal.

(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

* * * * * * *

Ladies, in our 40s we are sold a bill of goods.  We are given the impression that the way perimenopause occurs is that our menstruation happens further and further apart, until eventually it stops.  Menopause is magically achieved, and we can skip happily down the garden lane without a care in the world, and without buying any more tampons.

Not so in my case.  My monthly visit has been of biblical proportions (see Genesis 7:17 “For forty days the flood kept coming…”).  I can really sympathize with the Sick Woman of Luke 8:43.  Firmly believing that God heals through doctors and modern medicine, I am soon to undergo a D & C, which my doctor fondly calls a “dusting and cleansing”, plus a uterine ablation. 

When Doc first mentioned this, I thought she was saying “oblation” – like my uterus would be offered in some kind of medical worship service.  I’m sure my uterus feels that it has already offered itself up in service by providing me with three fantastic children. In fact, what Doc meant was that she would be scorching the insides of it to stop the bleeding.  Although using a blow-torch in there is an unusual idea, it is a good thing, as it will most likely prevent the need for a hysterectomy.  I like keeping all my parts if I can, even if they are like the inside of our toaster oven (more on that another time). 

Medical procedure or cooking accident?
So in a few weeks I’ll have this procedure done.  I’m not worried about it.  I expect to be up and about the next day, probably even skipping down the garden lane.  It’s all just part of being a perimenopausal gal.


Angie said...

Take care, dear friend. I hope it goes well. I had a rough time of it there for awhile, too. My doc discussed the option of ablation. But I'm a big chicken baby and didn't want to. I waited it out and now am skipping down the post-menopausal lane. And I really like the part about not buying anymore tampons. So hang in there. I think it will get better.

Sandy DeLorenze said...

Once again, Carolyn, hilarious! (Not the fact that you have to get your insides toaster-ovened, I mean the Gilbert and Sullivan parody.) I'm sure all will go well. I'm in the same boat - and it ain't the HMS Pinafore!

Cassi Renee said...

Wow. Mine have been really heavy --hemorrhaging more than bleeding, but only for 3 days or so. I can't image that going on, and on, and on, etc.

Perimenopause is definitely a great big bummer, as you aptly summed up in the opening song :-)

I hope the procedure goes well.

Anonymous said...

Had mine over 20 years ago. Came home, went to bed. My niece called and asked if I wanted to go out for a fish dinner. I said I couldn't drive. She picked me up.


Suburban Correspondent said...

My friend had an ablation and it went fine. Mine were very frequent for a bit, and then they finally spaced out and disappeared. It's great on the other side!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oooh. Good luck. Your song was genius. I do not look forward to my PM days...

The Crislers said...

Oh, the oblation/ medical worship had me laughing really hard. And I hope your procedure is uneventful and successful.