Happy Hanukkah!

Hanukkah: the most low-key and most fattening holiday ever invented.

All the essentials, plus some of our favorite Hanukkah stories from past years.

Homemade potato latkes!  Oil, more oil!

I found these in the grocery store - they were labeled "Santa Bucks".  Oh, well.

Dad lost the dreidel game.  The dreidel just would not land on gimel.

Gift Suggestions for the Budding Physicist

I have all kinds of thoughts brewing around in my head: how the “God with us” message of the Christmas story is more meaningful to me right now than the “God saves us” part of it; how I love Christmas cards but haven’t sent any yet; how music restores the soul; how I wish my printer were working properly (so that I could send the Christmas cards); and more.

But I can’t formulate those thoughts coherently right now, and of course, there’s no guarantee that they should appear here.  So instead I will give you this wordly discussion I had the other day, in the hopes that you, like my son, will see how to aim high in your requests.

My son and I were talking about toys.  He said, “The slinky, for instance, is very interesting.” 

I said, “I find the slinky to be not so interesting.  It never works the way it is supposed to.” 

He said, “The slinky is very interesting.  It demonstrates lots of physics principles.  You could get me one for Christmas.  Or... maybe you could get me an elevator!  That would be great for physics experiments.”

Me: “An elevator with a scale in it?”

Son:  “Yeah!”  

The Island of Misfit Cookies

Last night Youngest Daughter and I made Christmas cookies.  This was partly therapy for me, as I was still regretting my bad behavior on Friday night at the synagogue family dinner.  Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.  I should realize that I’m not the only one tired and stressed out.

Youngest Daughter also needed this cookie-making session.  The pangs of adolescence were sharp for her this past week.  We needed some calm Mother-Daughter time.

So we got in the kitchen and made a good mess.  She got creative and decided to meld the different cookie cutter shapes.  She used the 5-pointed star and the 6-pointed star together, and decorated them with red and green for Christmas and blue for Hanukkah.  “Look!  Christmas and Hanukkah are holding hands!”  She started singing one line of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” then a line from “Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah, Come Light the Menorah,” alternating back and forth.  That drove me batty, but she was determined to sing through all 12 days of Christmas and all 8 nights of Hanukkah in that manner.

Then the cookie shapes got a little more bizarre.  She had the little-person shape melded to the bell, a tree with a reindeer head stuck to it, an angel flinging the little person around, and the front of the donkey with the back legs of the reindeer.  We got covered with flour, but we didn’t have to look presentable.  She took great care in decorating each cookie, but we had plenty of time.  When I was taking the reindeer cookie off the tray, I nearly severed its neck, but nobody was judging our baking skills.

So we have some ordinary Christmas cookies, some weird cookies, and some partially repaired souls.

Common Household Proverb: The Door

For lo, Children, the door has two functions:  to be opened, and to be closed.  After passing through the door and holding it open for your elders, be certain to close the door, lest the flies, neighborhood children, and other undesirables enter the house.  Yea, even a raccoon once entered the basement when you were camping in the back yard and neglected to close the basement door.

Truly, truly, I say unto you that when you are leaving to go to the school bus and you neglect to close the front door all the way, a cold and mighty wind enters the house, raising the heating bill and depleting your college fund like chaff before the wind.

Beware, lest you attempt to enter the basement door without turning the door handle.  For if you break the glass thereof by pushing on it instead of turning the handle, sorrow shall stir within me at the thought of purchasing a new door.  

But then I shall be clothed with shame, as I remember that I did a similar thing when I was a child; lo, I even required stitches on my arm for my iniquity.  Therefore shall I offer you mercy and be thankful that you did not require stitches.  For behold, I will forgive your iniquity, and the door shall be made new, at a cost equal to the cost of several small televisions.  And the new door shall be a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Common Household Thanksgiving Proclamation

And here is the Common Household's Thanksgiving Proclamation from 2010:

One note: I hate mayonnaise.  I abhor it.  My family knows this and persecutes me mercilessly about it.

Last year on Thanksgiving, I posted this on the fridge, thinking that the family could have fun writing their own proclamations:

Thanksgiving Proclamation

By Our Family

Whereas... We are grateful to God for all the bountiful blefsings which God has bestowed upon us,

Therefore... We will stuff ourselves with turkey and all the trimmings. 

Whereas...

* * * * * *

In response, my brother wrote this, lapsing about half-way into the fake "changing S to F" found in the traditional proclamation:

Whereas...we are grateful to God for providing turkey far in excess of what we can eat in one meal, and...

Whereas...turkey sandwiches are known to be the most delicious sandwich ever concocted, and...

Whereas...no turkey sandwich is ever complete without a thick slathering of the Hellmans, and...

Whereas...the compleat fandwich confifts of the trinity of turkey, cranberry and mayo

Therefore we hold thif truth to be felf evident that the Common Houfehold must never be lacking, from thif day forthwith in having a large jar of 

MAYONAIFE

 The other dunning comments were added by the teenagers, my brother's daughter and my own daughter.  

National Thanksgiving Proclamation

Last year at Thanksgiving I found this version of George Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation of 1789.   I thought it would provide us with some sense of history, so I posted on the wall at Thanksgiving. But I thought the changing of "s" to "f" in this version was fake.

If you want to see the whole text in modern spelling, click here.


Among the things that Pres. Washington urged Americans to be thankful for:

- the "opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness"

 - for The Great Being's "kind care and protection of the People of this Country previous to their becoming a Nation"

- for "the peaceable and rational manner, in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness"

- "for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed"

Happy National Day of Thanksgiving, everyone.

Helpful? Thankful?

Recent Common Household Conversations about 

Being Helpful and Thankful

Me:  Son, you’re a fine person.  Thank you for being a fine person.

Husband:  You would be even finer if you knew brick pointing.

Son:  Well, Dad, you can’t have everything.

* * * * *

Me:    I need to understand the entire Medicare system by Monday.

Husband (trying to be helpful):  Well, there’s this doughnut.

Me:    Yeah?...

Husband:  And if you eat the doughnut, you’re in a lot of trouble. 

* * * * *

Me:    How shall we give thanks at Thanksgiving?

Son:    By eating huge amounts of food!

Me:    What words shall we use to give thanks? 

Son:    The Gettysburg Address?

Youngest Daughter:  (softly and sweetly): We should write a poem.

Son:  How about “Is this a dagger I see before me?”

Me:   (frown at Son)

Son:    Or “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace.”

Youngest Daughter:  Is that from Macbeth?

Son:    Yeah.  My English teacher says that it is the scariest speech in the English language.  And if you read through the entire play that far, you can tell that it’s true.

* * * * *

Me:    Will you unload the dishwasher while I'm gone?

Youngest Daughter:  I can't tell the future!  A meteor might hit the house.

* * * * *

If a meteor is going to hit the house it would be helpful if it could hit before tomorrow, when I plan to start my Thanksgiving cooking.  I’d hate to do all that cooking and then have a meteor hit.

My son showing appreciation for Shakespeare is, in some small way, like a meteor hitting the house.

But I would be very grateful if there was no meteor. I mean, I’ve got guests coming. And I’ve already cleaned out the refrigerator.  Alas, I haven't yet figured out Medicare.