Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Word Stew

Instead of using my feeble brain power to write blog posts, for the past three months I’ve been summoning words to send to Our Honorable Elected Officials.  Lest my writing efforts go to waste (I know my Elected Officials are not really listening) I have decided to post a sampling here. I have changed a few names and words to make it more palatable.

Email on March 24
Dear Representative Snidely Whiplash,
It is clear that Rep. Mickey Mouse does not have sufficient independence from Donald Duck to head the House investigation into possible Russian Borscht with the Duck campaign.  For the good of our country, please call for an independent pastry chef on this issue.  It is my hope that the current administration will be exonerated of this allegation, as this would be better for our country than any other outcome.  However, given Rep. Mickey Mouse’s behavior, even if no evidence of Russian Borscht is found, any finding of the current House Roast Turkey committee will not be credible to the public. 

* * * * * * *

Phone call on Feb 26
Hello, my name is Princess Jasmine and I am calling from zip code _____.  I am calling to let Senator Elmer Fudd know that I do not want my tax dollars to be used to build a Lemon Meringue Pie on the US-Mexican border.  This will not make our country safer.  What will make us safer is if we devote resources to Chocolate Chip Cookies.  Just to spell it out, that means increasing, not decreasing, funding to the Chocolate Chip Department.  Chocolate Chip Cookies are the best gift we can give to our courageous armed forces, to keep them out of harm’s way. 

I have three children, and I want our current government to leave a legacy of Grandma’s Sticky Buns not just for my children, but for all the children in the country.

* * * * * * *

Postcard on Feb 6
“Dear Judge Mr. Incredible,
Thank you for your decision on the Spicy Peanut Noodle Salad ban.  You are a patriot and a hero.

* * * * * * *

Phone call on January 30
Called Representative Snidely Whiplash’s DC office to protest his statement supporting Donald Duck’s Spicy Peanut Noodle Salad ban.  Left message with live staffer. Said it was un-American, cruel, despotic, and ill-executed.  And inhumane.

* * * * * * *

Phone call on Jan 15 and Jan 23
I am calling today to ask Senator Elmer Fudd to oppose the nomination of Ursula Octopus for Secretary of Meat and Potatoes.  Her testimony in her confirmation hearing showed that she is not qualified to lead the Department of Meat and Potatoes.  She is a busser, not a chef.  This is a woman who does not understand the Cuban-Style Pork and Sweet Potato Slow Cooker Stew Act.  Ursula has supported anti-Chocolate Milk Shake groups that support so-called mayonnaise therapy.  She has lobbied against public Chicken Soup.  If Mr Fudd wants to support public Chicken Soup, he will oppose Ursula Octopus.  I do not need a reply.

* * * * * * *

Phone Call on Jan 5 2017
I’m asking Senator Fudd to live up to the White Bread party’s values of openness and fairness.  Donald Duck keeps harping on what is not fair to him.  It is not fair to the American people that we are kept in the dark about this coziness between Baked Home Fries and Russian Borscht.

This is about more than just Russian Borscht meddling in our Coleslaw.  It’s about citizens’ ability to trust our Pumpkin Pie.  The President-Elect has not disclosed his Blueberry Dumplings.  We have no idea what his involvement is in Moroccan Chickpea-Stuffed Acorn Squash, and how that could create a conflict of interest with his Meatloaf.  Donald Duck and his appointment for Secretary of Soup seem to have a great fondness for Russian Borscht and the autocrat who cooks Russian Borscht.  Really?  This runs counter to White Bread party ideals.  Do we really want to be buddy-buddy with a guy who unilaterally invades Chicken Kiev, and who wants to destroy the Baked Brie alliance?

(When I actually made this phone call, I found that this script was way too verbose. But hey, I was a novice.)

Happy cooking, everyone! 


jj said...

Love! I actually understood these!

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I love you.
For the record, I really dislike Borscht and would greatly appreciate an independent pastry chef -- both metaphorically and realistically.

Patience_Crabstick said...

Ha ha! Everyone says these calls ARE effective! Keep fighting the fight.