Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Halloween Parade

It came to pass that it was Halloween.  And the Lord said, These are the laws for middle-aged mothers which I have set before you.

You shall not run downhill when you are 54 years old and out of practice at running.

Neither shall you run downhill when you are carrying an expensive new camera.

Lo, even if you are the marching band photographer and need to move from the back of the Halloween parade to the front of the parade in pursuit of the best photo ever of these my beloved children in the band, you shall not run.  For behold, there are six parades in six hours and you need to be upright for all of them.
This is one-third of the band.  The band splits up, and each third
parades in five neighborhoods, and then we all meet up for one big
parade in the last neighborhood.  It's a logistical nightmare.
See, when the photographer starts out at the front of the band,
 she can take photos of the kids' faces.  But after the band
passes by, the photographer must run to the front of the
band again to get more photos.  Rinse and repeat.

If you keep this statute, then shall you walk (not run) long in the land, both uphill and downhill. But take heed, if you will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you.

And yet, you would not listen to me.  Lo, though you are out of shape and have not run since that game of ‘Capture the Flag’ in 2007, during which you fell down and contracted your second frozen shoulder, you remained a stiff-necked and obstinate woman who insists on running to the front of the parade.

The backs of the people in the front of the parade.
Your foot shall stumble and you shall fall, as an ass falls into a pit, or in your case, as an ass falls on the sidewalk.  As you fall, you shall regret that this neighborhood actually has a sidewalk, because you shall fall onto the hard pavement, not the soft earth.  While you are yet falling, you shall think with bitterness, “But I just bought this camera” and “I am going to break my kneecap.” As you fall, you shall repent mightily of your running.

Thus says the Lord: I shall let you fall just hard enough to remind you of your iniquity.  O foolish person and unwise, your knee shall be grievously bruised and the palms of your hands shall pour forth blood on the pavement. 
After I fell, I was pretty sure I was going to look like this the
next day.  Please click to embiggen, to get the full effect.

But lo, I shall be merciful unto you.  I shall not permit your kneecap to be broken, neither shall your camera be crushed.  Your forehead will not be smote in two, nor shall your lens shall be shattered.  I shall lift you up from the gates of death. My ministering angels in the form of band chaperones in bright yellow jackets shall come rushing to your aid.  And it shall come to pass that the band medic shall treat your wounds with antiseptic numbing spray and Very Large flexible fabric bandages, both of which are miraculous inventions. 

You shall arise, and take up your camera, and walk.  And walk, and walk, and walk, with the band for the next 4 hours of parades.  Though you limp, yet shall you walk with the parades.

You shall be heard to say the same thing your 83-year-old mother says:  “Once I really get moving it hurts a little less.”
There were few areas of flat ground in any of the
neighborhoods. This is Western PA.

When you get home you shall seek to change your bandages, and shall find that the box which says “first aid” is practically useless, because there are no bandages big enough for your wounds.  You shall bind your wounds with gauze pads and bandage tape; lo, you shall resemble a half-hearted zombie, which is appropriate for Halloween.
$30 worth of bandages and Wound Care Items
On All Saints Day I shall cause you to remember to buy $30 worth of Bandaids of Unusual Size.  And you shall rejoice that the prophecy of the marching band medic did not come to pass – your knee is not bruised and swollen beyond recognition, and you can actually walk on flat surfaces fairly well.

But remember this well: Thou Shalt Not Run Downhill.

                                                                               - The Book of Admonitions 3:1-35
If I hadn't run up to the front of the band, I would have missed
this photo of this wonderful face.

* * * * * * * * * *
That happened ten days ago, and I am almost all healed.  But I had to put off my Thanksgiving pie-making for a while, as it wouldn't do to have bandaids in the pies.

It really was a miracle that the camera wasn't broken.


The Crislers said...

Oh. Oh, my goodness. I am laughing so hard. I feel a bit bad about laughing at your pain, but really, if you didn't want us all laughing, you shouldn't have told it in such a hilarious way. The "stiff-necked and obstinate woman." "As an ass falls onto the sidewalk." The photo of that skeleton, which was WAY funnier once embiggened. And that last photo, with the black mask and the sunglasses and the drum! Just perfect!

Really, though, I hope you're feeling better.

MomQueenBee said...

The Book of Admonitions. Oh, yeah.

Cassi said...

For someone who works professionally with numbers, you sure have a great way with words! That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!

"For behold, there are six parades in six hours and you need to be upright for all of them."

I'm glad to hear that you are almost healed :-)

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Your humor is a healing salve to my own stupidity. I am tremendously grateful that neither your camera nor your funny bone was harmed, and I'm glad to extend that all the way to your kneecap. OUCH!!

I hope the band (students, staff and parents alike) appreciate your efforts. As one who was once a dedicated band parent and miss those days in my life, I appreciate your tale and your photographic talent!

PS for future reference: I'm told that a feminine napkin works as a large bandage in times like this -- sticky side facing out toward the tape.

NJ said...

I enjoyed your account of photographing the parade, too. You do have a way with words, ... and pictures. I'm glad that you're on the mend. Take care, and keep on taking pictures. ...I, too, miss the times when my own kids were in band. What great fun they had, and I loved seeing them marching in the band. Nancy

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You are SO funny! What a cool parade idea--I loved the pictures and really appreciate the effort--the EPIC accounting of how you recorded the moment. Oh my!

smalltownme said...

This was brilliant.

slow panic said...

"Once I get moving it hurts a little less" is now my mantra. I want it on a t-shirt or tattooed to my forehead