Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Episode IV.I To The Promised Galaxy

It is part of the Passover seder tradition to tell the story of the Exodus.  Here's the version we used last night.

To the Promised Galaxy
Or “My Father Was A Wandering Alderaanian”
A Passover Story
By Youngest Daughter

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Abraham was told to go to a place that he would be shown by God, and to count the stars. One day, God said, his ancestors would number as much as the stars, and even live among them. This is the story of his ancestors, back then, when they did the Star Wars Exodus.

Our story begins on Alderaan, with the Emperor. He had ordered all Alderaanian boy children to die, unless Princess Leia told the location of the secret rebel base. However, one family set a young boy adrift in a space pod. His name was Moses, but his nickname was Luke Skywalker. He was discovered by Darth Vader, who took him in, and they both became servants under Emperor Palpatine.

However, when Luke was grown up, he saw the Death Star getting ready to destroy the planet Alderaan so as to get at the rebel base, and he felt a connection with the Alderaanians, which he’d never felt before. Then, he realized that he must be an Alderaanian, too, and took a shuttle to the Death Star. He destroyed the Death Star, and fled to Dagobah, where he stayed for a very long time, herding Yodas.

However, after he’d stayed there for a long while, he saw a burning bush, which is not a very usual sight in the swamp. God spoke to him through this bush, telling him to go back and convince Vader and the Emperor to let the Alderaanians go from their slavery to the Empire.

So, Luke went back to the Empire, and brought upon them 10 plagues.  First, he changed all of their water rations into blood.  Second, he brought on the uncertainty of not knowing who shot first in Han Solo’s battle with Greebo. Third, he sent down a plague of Geonosians, or alien insects. Fourth, he sent the plague of Jar Jar Bink’s extremely annoying personality.
Fifth, he sent a terrible sickness to all on the Imperial ships. Sixth, he sent Jabba the Hutt to get people frozen in carbonite. Seventh, he sent asteroid hail down on the Empire. Eighth, he sent a bunch of those worms of those asteroids, the ones that eat people unless you engage the hyperdrive.

Ninth (and this was one of the really bad ones), Luke sent down the Star Wars prequels. However, the 10th plague was the worst, as this was the death of all the first born children. Vader, who had become like a son to the Emperor, died in this plague.

After Vader died, the Emperor was convinced that he had to let the Alderaanians go, so they baked matzah and set off in their spaceships towards the Promised Galaxy.  However, Emperor Palpatine changed his mind, and sent the whole Imperial fleet after them. Soon, the Alderaanians became trapped on the edge of an asteroid belt, with the Imperial fleet closing in behind them.

However, then God sent down a miracle, and the asteroid belt was parted, allowing the Alderaanian ships through. However, God sent the asteroid belt crashing back together when the Imperial fleet came through, and the Emperor and all his soldiers died.

All Rights Reserved (that means link, don’t copy)

Manischewitz Concord Grape Wine:  The traditional wine for
Passover, no matter where you are in the universe.
Sweeter than Kool-Aid.

Alderaanian matzo bouquet


Angie said...

YD is so clever and creative!

Sarah said...

That's all kinds of awesome :)

Cassi Renee said...

Wow! That is very impressive!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I've never considered the exodus in those terms before--very clever!

The Crislers said...

Brilliant. I'm going to need to read this several more times to process it all.