A wicked icicle hung over our front door, threatening all who wished to cross our threshold, posing danger to the innocent soul who ventured out to get the mail, beckoning a lawsuit from passing UPS delivery persons.
So, using the Wicked Icicle Removal Tool (WIRT), pictured here, I, original pioneer housewife, decided to remove the wicked icicle. Waiting until the other Common Household members left for work and school so that I would not make a fool of myself in front of them, I carried the WIRT from the garage up through the house. Amazingly, I poked not a single hole in the wall of the basement, kitchen, den, or front hallway.
Astute readers will ask why I did not carry the WIRT around the outside of the house, where there are no walls to poke. And I answer: it is because I was too lazy to put on my snow pants and high boots to wade through the 24+ inches of snow surrounding the house. And I was too lazy to walk all the way out to the street and then down the front walk carrying the WIRT.
The WIRT seemed to have an adequate reach, but a wobbly aim. I waved the WIRT around in the air near the house. Eventually I developed enough skill to get the WIRT to wobble across the icicles. The Wicked Icicle made a satisfying sound as it crashed to the snow-ice covered front walk. Aha! Its sharp tip could no longer threaten to impale residents and visitors passing through our front door.
But my success was not complete. I had managed to only knock down half of this mammoth icicle. Its blunt stump remains there, taunting me still. It now silently waits for its chance to cause a concussion.
Astute readers, upon closely examining the photographs, will again ask astute questions: why did the Common Household Mom not just open the window and break off the icicle from inside the pleasant warmth of the house? Because. My husband warned me in no uncertain terms not to open the window. The window well has become flooded with ice and can’t be opened without risking ripping out parts of the window frame.
If you come to visit, maybe you should come in the back door.