Friday, May 20, 2016

Evisceration

Five-gallon bucket with motivational message.
Last Saturday our house had an emergency colonoscopy.  Dr Roto-rooter determined that the house needs a full intestinal replacement.  Disembowelment.  Evisceration. 

Nasty house abdominal symptom, found
in our basement last Saturday. This is
Not Good.


During the past two weeks some things have happened that make me feel that I and my loved ones have been spiritually eviscerated.  Basically, it’s been a truly shitty two weeks.  I’m devastated, angry, perplexed, and appalled. But I am not going to say anything more about that, because:

"I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you!
And now... well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!
After we handed over large suitcases full of money to the plumbers, the process of disemboweling our only abode began on Tuesday with the jack hammering of large portions of the garage floor.  It took the workers all day.  I discovered that jack hammering affects things in other rooms.

This is what I found in the basement, which
shares a wall with the jackhammered room.
This is where I store extra food, which just
 leapt off the shelves!  Fortunately nothing broke.
Our jack-hammered garage floor


I am really glad I didn't waste any time sweeping
 the garage floor this spring, because they just turned it into this.
The project has proceeded apace.  It seems if you pay people enough money, they will do the job quickly, using space-age techniques where possible.  It’s Friday morning, and we have all new sewer lines in the garage.  We did not find any interesting things, such as casks of Amontillado, beating hearts, or cats, under the floor of the garage.

New sewer line in this direction

And new sewer line in that direction

A photo showing how thick the garage floor is,
with (given the week I have had) what might become
 my new morning beverage, included for size comparison.

Also, there is a new sewer line running from the powder room to this main sewer line.  That job was done without digging, using a technique involving a cloth sleeve impregnated with alien sinews.  The sleeve is inserted in the existing pipe, inflated and then some alien juice is added at which point the alien sinews become as strong and as solid as iron or PVC pipe.  This new pipe can never be destroyed because it is from outer space.  Or maybe it lasts exactly five years, which is what the length of the warranty is.

Today, they are doing a similar alien material procedure on the sewer line leading from the house to the municipal sewer.  I will bet that in five years we will be looking for Sigourney Weaver to help us fight the aliens that will be born in this sewer line. 

I left the house this morning before the plumbers arrived, but came home while they were working on this.   The process apparently requires that the cloth pipe be ironed before being installed.  This is the first time in six years that an iron has been used on our property.  The length of cloth pipe they need ran the entire length of the driveway. 
The neighbors are all highly amused by all this
drama.  Just wait 'til it's their turn!

Dalek in our basement.
Run, before it exterminates you!

The procedure also required them to bring in this Dalek, which I found sitting in front of the clothes washer.  Since Dr. Who is unlikely to show up anytime soon to protect me, I am clearing out and taking myself to a place where I can finally get a cup of hot tea, a mark of civilization which, for me, requires the presence of another mark of civilization, that is, a working bathroom.

Dr Roto-rooter called the substance “resins”.  But I am pretty sure the material is alien.


6 comments:

Patience_Crabstick said...

I'm so sorry about your plumbing and about your otherwise horrible week. I hope you start to feel recovered soon.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I hate that your week was awful, especially on the spiritual front. What an ordeal--all that pipe and cement and MESS! I hope that lasts much longer than the warranty (though that part of your post made me snicker).

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I hate that your week was awful, especially on the spiritual front. What an ordeal--all that pipe and cement and MESS! I hope that lasts much longer than the warranty (though that part of your post made me snicker).

Cassi said...

I am so sorry that something/someone is distressing you and your family. I hope you can remove yourselves from the situation and recover.

Plumbing is just never a good thing to have to mess with. We live in fear of our septic line having to be dug up . . .

The Crislers said...

The alien sinew hypothesis cracks me up, but also sounds pretty plausible, as far as I'm concerned. And that *does* look like a Dalek!

I'm sorry you and yours are going through tough times. That just sucks, and I wish it weren't happening. Hugs and good thoughts and prayers to you.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Your writing and photos make the sewer situation somewhat amusing, but I know it was absolutely not amusing to you or your bank account. Worse still is the spiritual evisceration you've been through. I hope that this week is much better than the two weeks before it.