For behold, the Lord will bring a great wind with fury. Her chariots of the storm shall deliver twigs, leaves, and all manner of sticks, spread over the grassy land of your field, and on the way of the driving, not to mention the deck.
The voice of the Lord shall break the cedars of Lebanon and the oaks of Allegheny County. And you shall mourn the large and small trees that have been shattered and uprooted abroad in the land. For lo, you shall remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you. Be humbled and thankful, therefore, that no large trees have been uprooted at the foot of your house.
You shall reflect with wonder on the geometrical object that fell out of the sky into the front yard, and shall think about calling it “manna”, i.e. “what is it?” Though the Lord fed the people of old with the substance that fell from heaven, this does not look very much like bread but rather like the linchpin of the roof chamber of a nearby abode.
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| The underside of the object found in the yard after the storm. |
As Ruth the Moabitess picked up grain in the fields of Boaz, so too shall you pick up sticks in the yard, although, unlike the grain, the sticks cannot be made edible.
Picking up sticks is vanity and a striving after wind. And we all know we’ve had enough wind. For lo, as you bend to pick up this stick, and straighten your 60+-year-old back to standing, you shall see that stick. Look toward heaven and count the stars, if you are able to count them; so shall the number of sticks in your yard be.
And you shall sweat a great sweat as you labor, for lo, these are the days of fiery heat dome. And your hair shall continually make its way to your mouth, causing you to groan inwardly, knowing that you shall again forget to make a haircut appointment once you go inside.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, for your husband has texted to say he will provide the evening meal from Giant Iggle. This is a blessing and a mercy. Thanks be to God.
- The Book of Exertions 4:5-22
But seriously, what is that thing?
